Lady Whistleblower Dearest gentle reader –
With the return of the fashionable set to FedHock, so too returneth those valiant young men who aim to chart their own course through that oh so noble sport of football.
While it is true that FedHock has struggled mightily and in vain these past few years, nonetheless, optimism springs eternal in the legions of local football fans across the Kingdom. This optimism generally wears thin after the first game, and this season has been no exception.
In perusing this season’s schedule, this author thinks she has unraveled the key to FedHock’s undoing. Simply put, FedHock needs to quit playing teams that obviously have God on their side.
Take this last week for instance. FedHock lost to Fairfield Christian Academy 30 to nothing. That’s 10 points each for Father, Son, and Holy Ghost! While we like to believe in the scheduling acumen of Field Marshal Sporty Heavens and the leadership of Coach Mason Jar, obviously FedHock must be lacking in some higher moral authority on the playing field.
Now, before you, dear reader, admonish me over the previous week’s win against Trinity Christian (8-0), this author wishes to point out that surely there were other forces at work, given that the game had to be forfeited due to it being hotter than hell. Apparently God’s kryptonite is heat, and it took a collapsing player to stop the game. In this win, we learn that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there, and in our kingdom, the football field is the heart of man.
Be that as it may, when God’s representatives were queried about the initial season’s loss to the Green Bobcats, God replied, “I try not to make it really obvious about My playing favorites – so it’s important to set up low expectations before a team such as FedHock has to take on My field warriors. That loss of Trinity Christian was an oversight, as I hadn’t taken weather conditions into consideration, and ultimately My opponent temporarily gained the upper hand. As the natural seasons progress from summer into autumn, it will be much harder for him to levy that type of offensive against Me.”
Looking ahead to the rest of the season, one might think that it is looking up, with only one more God team ahead of us, Madonna. However, whether FedHock’s opponent is familiar territory like Belpre, or teeny tiny schools from West Virginia that this author has never heard of, it seems that the kingdom may be in for a rough time of it for the remainder of the football season. It has become abundantly clear that no amount of money or resources can solve the intractable problem of FedHock’s football failure.
It is said that football is a game of mistakes and whoever makes the fewest mistakes wins. This author cannot help but think that this could be the universal problem plaguing the Kingdom, for FedHock is nothing, if not expert at, making mistakes.
Yours Truly,
Lady Whistleblower
