Top 10 Lists

10) The sun has to shine a certain percentage of the time, because that’s the law 9) If the sun is shining, they can do whatever they want – this is why they have special bored meetings in the afternoon 8) Anytime a song is played with “sunshine” or “sun” in the title, a rando flash mob occurs 7) That King Spinster is the foretold return of the Sun King (hint: he’s not, that was King George who brought us solar panels) 6) That students who receive too much sunshine (i.e. recess) will fail all state tests. So no recess …

10) Knowing when to call off school – no matter where he is! 9) Driving a bus or being a teacher – you pick 8) Finding a work wife wherever he goes 7) Manipulating the system so he never has to come to work 6) Spreading baking ingredients throughout the school 5) Conducting meetings via remote methods – even when he IS actually here 4) Posing (as an educational leader, a gym bro, and of course – PHOTOS – TRIFECTA!) 3) Being a quick charge artist – both physically (clothes) and mentally (mood/anger) 2) Getting a paid leave of absence …

(because having an experienced transportation supervisor just isn’t enough) 10) No electricity? No problem. No water? No problem. No (fill in the blank)? No problem. We just need to count the hours kids butts are in seats! So school’s on, kids!  9) His Magic 8-ball’s answer to the question, “Should we have school today?” 8) Knowing that the school kitchens’ stock of baking soda is at full capacity 7) Walking out of his house in Cincinnati and checking the streets there 6) Seeing what other schools are doing, and then doing the opposite 5) The temperature in Morgan county, you …

10) Cafeterias will only serve protein shakes and celery 9) Make Federal Hocking Great Again! Two words: Coal Mining! 8) Make students wear mop slippers while in the school, we can save on custodial services! 7) Contract students out as physical laborers to local construction companies in lieu of PE 6) Apply for a Cannabis grow license for the FFA Greenhouse 5) Require a district “food tithe” where residents must give up 10% of all hunting, fishing and farming resources to the district to help stock the cafeteria. (For days when they run out of protein shakes and celery.) 4) …

10) Hopscotch – because the King is good at jumping to conclusions 9) Mother/Kingy May I? – No one ever wins because the King always says No 8) Dodgeball – because the King is really good at dodging both work AND accountability! 7) Blow Football – the King has a lot of hot air to contribute (this game is an UK import) 6) Marbles – Low cost, because the King has lost all of his and the team can use them, but only after they find them! 5) Kick the Can – Just like how problems are dealt with here …

10) Huge Heart-Shaped Suckers so that with every lick they can congratulate themselves for maintaining power over the “suckers” in this Kingdom 9) A dozen rose stems – no flowers needed – just the thorn-covered stems for whipping the peons into shape 8) Personalized Candy Hearts – with messages like “Proletariat – we don’t need no stinkin’ proletariat”, “My Heart Burns for You with a Fire No Tums Can Put Out”, “Why build a school to prison pipeline when we can create the prison right here?” and other uplifting messages  7) A promise to gift each other with the actual …

10) Will up his daily fitness routine to include bench pressing THREE third graders at a time. (He hopes to up his game to three fifth graders by the end of the year.) 9) Will start communicating by smoke signals in order to circumvent state records requests 8) Will rename the new consolidated campus the Spinster-Void Programming Center 7) Wants to include a wider variety of coffee bean roasts, because that would prove his dedication to diversity. 6)  Institute new policy that all teachers must live on campus so that they will stay in the proper submissive mindset. Rent will …